Not long after my last post, I had a pretty traumatizing event happen in my life. The same day, to be honest. My "wonderful and glamorous" life kind of melted away. A "form" of infidelity occurred in my marriage, which was the most important thing in my world.
I have struggled what to do with my blog. I don't know if I will remain an Army wife right now. Due to the nature of my relationship, I am giving it a go to try to see if it can be repaired. I had a pretty great marriage before this, and while it would be much easier for me to leave, I want to test this further and see what happens in the short term. Besides, leaving someone takes careful planning, and I don't do anything without a game plan. I like to be prepared like a fucken boyscout.
Military life is difficult. I have spent the past 12+ years waiting patiently for my husband to come home and just be with me. As the years progress, and they are gone more often, its easiest to turn a switch and shut yourself off emotionally to be able to cope. When they come home, the switch doesn't flip so easily. You don't tell each other that you want to fall apart when you aren't together, because you don't want to worry each other. Don't do this. Tell each other that you need them.
I can tell you that I get up every day, I do my hair, put on makeup and kick some ass. I also somehow do this without inflicting (much) bodily harm to my husband. I have resisted the urge to stab him in the crotch, although to be honest, I have had that urge before. ;) I have slapped his arm repeatedly after it fell asleep and got all "pins and needles". He is a good man who is an idiot. I don't know how that makes me feel, to realize I married an idiot. It's kind of a blow to my ego. I always knew I was smarter, based solely on the amount of times I am right. ha.
I felt like I wanted to die at first. Pain fucken hurts. I've dropped over 22 lbs in the past month. Short of wiring my jaw shut, not eating has never really been an option for me. But my body wouldn't cooperate this time. But I am looking pretty smokin....which is a pro if I end up single again.
The pain is still always there. But now I have a great excuse for Zoloft and Xanax, so it's keeping the anxiety surpressed. The rest I am thinking through logically, dealing with my emotions in small bouts as I am able to, and doing a lot of talking. So much talking, it even hurts MY head.
I don't blame myself. First, he was the idiot, not me. Secondly, I am a fucken catch. I'm smart as hell, funny as fuck, and pretty easy on the eyes. I have a great job (which I am keeping since we are NOT moving to CA) and am completely self-sufficient. I have no self-esteem issues.
I don't blame some flaw in the marriage. We have a strong relationship, in spite of this. Sometimes there is no real reason than not thinking things through. I've done stupid things for no real reason before...things I didn't even WANT to do. I am keeping that in perspective.
I am one tough bitch. I hold the reigns on my life. I am not weak, rather I am stronger than ever.
Hear ME roar.